Black, White, or Grey?

For those of you who don’t already know, I go through colour phases and lately I’ve been really feelin’ the colour grey.  I’ve only recently started liking it but even more so after getting my grey leather Coach bag (which I am sadly contemplating returning because I really can’t justify such a huge purchase atm).  I dunno why I used to hate this colour thinking it was ugly because it’s now the bestest colour ever!  I lub my grey bag, I lub my grey TNA jacket, I lub my grey Uggs, I lub my grey clothes!

So I’ve been chillin at home the last few weeks re-evaluating my life and came to the conclusion that things in life are never a simple black or white, but rather a shade of grey - at least for me anyway.  Why is that?  I couldn’t tell you for the life of me, but I can say that a lot of the times I’m left lingering in the grey area with not a clue as to what the next step would be.  But if things in life were always so clear-cut, then what’s the point of living? Working? Eating? Sleeping?  Or even dreaming?  I think what I’m trying to get across is that we do need a little bit of grey in our colour palette.  If we didn’t, we’d never have to make choices or decisions, we’d never have to contemplate anything, and we’d never grow up into good looking, mature individuals.

And 12 more days till I’m in the other checkbox. Damn.

Precipitations

It’s only mid-day and I’m sitting here falling asleep as I’m trying to decide what to do for the rest of the day with a Holter monitor attached to me.  There’s only so much I can do with wires hanging out from all sorts of places on my body.  Can’t go to a mall without looking like a bomb threat.  Can’t play with my puppy without fighting her off my wires.  Damn my heart precipitations.

bomb threat

I sucked it up & went out to run a few errands despite my terrorist getup.  I did get a few stares but it could be skewed ’cause I was very self-aware.  I even managed to try on a top @ AE - the deal was just too cheap to pass up!

What If?

Isn’t that always the big question?  If I had even a penny for all the times I’ve asked myself that, I’d be forever on vacation travelling the world now.  But I don’t, so here I am not on vacation, not having (a) sex on the beach, not eating all the exotic foods of the world.  Yay me.

I’m not one to dwell on the past (at least not for long anyway) but sometimes I do find myself wondering “what if circumstances were different back then” or “what if I didn’t make the choices that I have” or “if only I had done that differently”.  Then I end up asking myself why I’m even asking myself these questions because obviously it’s all in the past and there’s nothing I can do about it now.  Or is there?  Or can I settle with living the rest of my life wondering “what if”?  And what about recurring dreams?  What the hell do those mean?  Is it a sign? A message of some sort on a subconcious level?  Do I brush it off and take it lightly?  So many questions and so few answers.  I just wish someone can hack into my brain and do all the thinking for me and spit out the “right” thing to do.  Right.  What the hell is the “right thing to do” anyway.  I don’t think there is ever a right thing to do - a best available option at the time maybe, but no, there’s no right way of doing things, especially when it comes to LIFE.  I think the right thing to do is always to do the least possible damage to myself or anyone around me, but that doesn’t always quite go as planned.  Somehow someone always gets jewed, mostly myself.  Bah.  Why is life so mah fan?

As messed up as I sound, I may have progressed slightly with the whole BC vs. Tdot dilemma.  I say slightly because we’ve only had a couple of sunny days this week where I could think clearly.  Very ironic that Vancouver is raincity - maybe that’s what’s been inhibiting my mental capacity to think.  Darn gloomy BC.

On a side note - I think I lost weight since I came back home despite all the yummy goodness.  Hurrah for my mom’s healthy cooking and veggies!  I lub choy.  Now I just need to shape up so I can do the grind before summer ends.  Yay to self-torture yet again.

Life’s a Beach

S.A.D:  (wiki) a form of depression caused by the lack of natural light during the winter months.  Yup.  Sounds about right - I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Today’s pretty gloomy and consequently so is my mood.  Or maybe I have some sort of bipolar disorder.  One day it’s sunny & one day it’s gloomy - stop playing with me!  I’m fragile right now.

Hit up the beach yesterday with a girlfriend and it was awesome with the blazing sun and occasional breeze by the water.  Worked on our tans, though summer is 1/2 over already.  Took a bunch of long overdue pics with Fiona.  I don’t know why but everything seems to fade away when I’m soaking up the sun.  It’s just so relaxing to lie there without a care in the world for those few hours. 

me facing the other way

That is…till Fiona screamed in horror.  Turns out the old guy right next to us wanted more than just his body tanned.  There he was lying down with his legs wide open at us and unless he had a tomato in his shorts, his junk was sunburned.  There we were trying to take in the sun not realizing we’ve been flashed by him all that time.  Needless to say, we spent the rest of the time facing the other way.  GROSS!

After the whole ordeal we decided to treat ourselves to a snack and we ended up @ Hung Fook Tong.  I’ve been craving their red bean ice drink (with icecream!) since forever.  It was exactly as good as I remembered it; cold, refreshing, and yummy.  When it comes to Chinese desserts - this is one of the top ones on my list.  We also ordered those sticky rice ball things (like mochi) with black sesame inside and crushed peanuts on the outside.  SOOO good.  Amazing what the sun + good food can do.

Red Bean Icecream Drink

I’ve done an entire week of pondering now.  Thanks to everyone that’s asked to make sure I’m still alive.  I heart you all =)  I may’ve had a breakthrough, not sure yet.  As long as the sun stays out I”ll be a happy camper.

No Air

Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air?
Can’t live, can’t breathe with no air.

I can’t breeeathe.  I’m being smothered to death by life, if that makes any sense at all.  But ofcourse nothing makes any sense these days.  My heart is precipitating.

A Little Bit of Crazy

To compensate for my recent lack of excitement towards life, I got more piercings in my ears.  I was out at the mall and happened to pass by the salon and just spontaneously decided I needed an extra whole in each ear right there and then.  I also want to get red highlights in my hair but I need to wait until after my potential interview.  Am I crazy?  Maybe just a bit, but I’d rather be a little crazy than boring.

I was looking through My Documents folder and found my 25 things.  I posted it on Facebook a while ago but if you’ve never read it and are bored, here it is again:

25 Things

1. My past: I was the only Asian kid in my school from Kindergarten till Gr.5 when my brother came along and started school.  Kids had me crying home everyday for being Chinese and having chinky eyes.  (Yes, ppl in Brandon were still ignorant & extremely racist in the 80s & early 90s).  Well let me tell all of you – yah I’m Chinese, yah my eyes may be small – and I’m damn proud of it.
    
2. My gratitude: I am thankful for the handful of friends that I did make during my elementary years in Brandon.  They still befriended me and accepted me for me, chinky eyes and all.
   
3. My dental work (or lack of): I have never had a cavity or needed braces (knock on wood).
   
4. My athleticism: Believe it or not, I used to be athletic in the earlier years of my life.  I used to be a runner – 100m, 200m, 400m, 800m, and relay team.  Also did highjump and triple jump.  I’m not pulling your leg – I have ribbons to show for it!
   
5. My 1^st request for an extension in school: While I was writing my thesis in university, I got a terrible eye infection by the name of iritus.  Took over a month of an intense schedule of 3 diff kinds of eyedrops to fix me.  I got an extension on my thesis, presented it to my prof 1-on-1, and still managed to get an A.
   
6. The Chinese in me: I’m a “jook sing” (hollow bamboo) that likes to watch TVB dramas. 
   
7. My exposure to the world: I’ve probably travelled way less than the average person.  Never explored the rest of Canada.  Never been to Asia, Europe, or most States – not even New York (unless passing by for a day on a tour bus counts) or Disneyworld.
   
8. My vacations: Never made a passport till 2006.  Since then I’ve been to Jamaica & Caribbean.
   
9. My 1^st culture shock: After moving from Brandon, MB (an all-white community) to Scarborough, ON, I stepped into my Gr.7 classroom to see Chinese, Black, and Brown kids all staring back at me.  With my eyes bugged out and mouth dropped open, I embraced my new multicultural classmates. 
   
10. My appetite for seafood: Apparently I’ve ate a snail from my dad’s fish tank when I just learned to walk.  He was cleaning his tank and turned around for “just a second” when I grabbed his snail, chewed & swallowed it before my dad could stop me. 
    
11. My greatest recent fear: I was so terrified of getting my wisdom teeth out this past May; my dad had to hold my hand during the ordeal, all while I had my earphones shoved in my ears listening to my ipod while they were terrorizing my mouth.
    
12. My thoughts on friendship: If you want to be my friend, be one.  Make the attempt to maintain our friendship.  It’s all about the effort you put into it.  When something goes down, friends will show their colours, and you’ll see who your true friends really are.
    
13.  If you’ve wronged me: Simple. Acknowledge & apologize.  Admit that you’ve hurt me, lied to me, been inconsiderate of me, whatever.  All it takes is for you to get off your high horse and admit that you were wrong, and I’ll be ok (eventually).
    
14. My greatest hate: FEET.  I cannot stress enough how much I hate feet.  Winter time’s alright but when summer rolls around and you know you’ve got ugly toes, paint them (ladies) or wear closed toe sandals, please.
    
15. My love for shoes: Yes I hate feet but love shoes.  I have a lot of runners, boots, flats, sandals and high heels.  I even have 2 pairs of slippers I wear interchangeably.  I love buying/looking at dress shoes and high heels even though I can barely walk in them.
    
16. My fav sibling moments: going out with Tim & Terah to AYCE sushi every so often, watching Heart of Greed (Chinese drama) with Tim, going clothes-shopping with Terah and being his fashion consultant, and having our “chats” – though it’s more like prying into each other’s lives outside of the family.  It usually involves name-calling, laughing at each other’s misfortunes, and congregating somewhere in the house.
    
17. My least fav sibling moments: when Tim & Terah (but usually Tim) forgets house keys and calls me in the middle of the night when I’m snug in bed to open the front door, and when they purposely come into my room to burp or fart and then close the door on me.  Jerks!
    
18. My Asian babyface: When I was 21 or 22 I went to the casino, got carded as I was about to place my bet – inside the casino after I was already carded at the door.  At a Chinese restaurant with my family a few years back, the waiter called me “mui” (little sister).
    
19. My birth order: Not only am I the eldest of 3 children, I’m the oldest on both sides of the family.  My youngest cousin and I are 22 years apart.  What can I say, I have a young family!
    
20. My not-so 20/20 vision:  I’ve worn glasses since Gr.3 and my prescription is about -500 in both eyes, I also have astigmatism which makes night driving a pain in the butt.
    
21. My family: I’m very family oriented.  I love big family get-togethers and dinners.
    
22. My middle name: Unlike my 2 brothers & most Chinese out there, I don’t have my Chinese name translated into my middle name.  My middle name is Jennifer.
    
23. The “badgirl” in me:  Been to the principal’s office in Gr.3 for name-calling (in retaliation of course), had detention multiple times and also got into my 1^st catfight in Gr.7.
    
24. My manual-driving ability: I’m proud to say that I can drive stick-shift and so can the rest of my family; including my mom.
    
25. My wonderful parents: Everything I have today is from my parents’ hard work and dedication to save money & provide for their family.  My dad was robbed of everything but the shorts he was wearing while fleeing Vietnam.  Now, THAT, kids - is called starting from scratch.

Quarter Life Crisis

So I’ve been back in the tdot for a week now and it’s been great being home.  There’s nothing like family & friends & a familiar city to cure homesickness.  I love my hard mattress, I love my blanket, I love my clean kitchen, I love counterspace, I love the smell of my house.  I love driving my little Yaris.  I just can’t believe a week’s gone by so quickly.  Time doesn’t just fly when I’m home, time runs out.

I came home last Tuesday (June 29th) to Libby greeting me with her tail wagging excitedly and I instantly fell in love.  Libby is my brother’s new puppy but I’ve become her nanny while he’s at school & work.  It’s been incredibly exhausting but within this week I’ve taught her how to go down the stairs (sooo cute btw) and I’ve mastered the “stay” command.  I can put her treat a few feet away and she won’t eat it until I say “ok go!”  Though she’s won my heart, in the end she’s still a baby that pees & poos and still making messes in the house here & there.  Her teething has turned her into a crazy lady sometimes and she’ll eat me alive until she gets what she wants.  Ah the life of a puppy - eat, sleep, poop, & play.  All she has to do is look up at me with her 1/2 pug face; wrinkles and all, whimper, and I melt.  I think she’s figured me out cause thats how she bullies her way to take over my pillow every morning.  It’s a pretty routine process actually - she whimpers, I let her on at the foot of my bed, she slowly inches up and eats me alive until I surrender my pillow.  Then she’ll plop herself down and sleep while I’m left without a pillow.  Our dog is such a princess.

Aside from keeping busy with Libby, I’ve spent a lot of time with the family.  My aunt’s wedding was exciting & fun after all the running around was over with.  Openbars are fun, but drinking with family means drinking with reservations.  My grandma cannot and will not ever see me tipsy. 

In other news, I’m sort of having a meltdown as I’m approaching 26.  It’s finally hitting me that I’m soon no longer in the 18-25 checkbox.  No longer in my early 20’s.  I don’t wanna be in the other checkbox yet.  I’m not ready.  I have life decisions to make in the next little bit.  Though I mainly came back to Toronto for my aunt’s wedding & to catch up with family, it’s also a much needed break because I’m torn between 2 places at once.  Is everything in BC really worth me giving up everything here at home?  Or will it be easy to give up BC and stay in Toronto?  I have lots of questions I need to ask myself and I don’t know the answer to any of them.  I look at my life in terms of accomplishments and age and someone advised me that it’s totally the wrong way to look at life.  I need to adapt & cope with the fact that my life is going nothing like I had once planned.  And why do I always want what I can’t have?  This self-torture is stressing me out.  Where are you?  I need you here.