Sometimes all it takes is a fortune cookie to put things into perspective.
It’s 2am. I’m sitting here feeling like I want to eat anything and everything but at the same time I am so full. My brain and tummy haven’t been cooperating lately. My appetite has been pretty much non-existent the last few weeks. I eat just for the sake of…maintaining life. And until I started taking shots of NyQuil, I haven’t been sleeping more than 4-5 hours a night. My body is so broken inside.
I feel like I’ve done a whole lot of growing up in the last 2 months. It definitely hasn’t been easy going through this quarter life crisis. I’ve had more than my fair share of rollercoaster emotions and honestly it’s got to stop before I truely go bananas. It’s time for me to pick up the fragments of my life and try to piece it all back together. What I do know is that we cannot dwell on the past. I have new priorities and goals, I have a lot of uncertainty, and I don’t know what is to become, but I’m trying to keep it together.
Big changes are to come…
Been doin a lot of that lately. Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of downtime to come to a sudden realization…and I’ve had a fair share of downtime recently. I’ve also been dreaming more frequently. That or I’ve just been remembering more of them. Coming from a psychology background, I can probably self-diagnose myself. But part of me would rather tell Freud to shove it. Dreams are dreams, they don’t mean anything right? Or do they on some level?
My mind has been in overdrive. I’ve realized that it is time to focus on myself for the next little while. Like someone said to me, I’ve hit rock bottom so the only way now is up. I hope?
So it’s begun. I made the trek back to BC. I’m officially in the other checkbox now. Time to suck it up for a fresh start. Ok maybe not a fresh start - but a “re-do”.
Despite sleeping 3hrs on Fri night and still feeling shitty after stuffing my face with dimsum along with 3 coffees in the span of 5hrs, I enjoyed everything =) 007 was fun and now their entire staff knows I’m out of my youth. Dimsumming was so yums. I lubbed the mango pudding and custard buns. The wine & cheese was AWESOME but sadly it didn’t sit well in my stummy cause I crashed so hard after 2-3 glasses of wine. I just cannot comprehend how I can drink so much 1 night and feel fine the next morning but crash & burn after wine. Why?! But I will take this as further evidence that I am no longer in my youth and drinking 2 nights in a row is detrimental to my precipitating heart as I did feel a feel palps here and there. Yay me.
Thanks so much for everyone who came out to doomsday - I love you guys & gals, and no, not only today. Turning 26 was something I dreaded for a long while but I did have a great time celebrating it with all of you. Thankyou Luke for planning the event while I was busy in Toronto, thankyou Will for crossing countries to be back, thankyou Amrik for your hospitality, thankyou Janet for taking care of me, and thankyou Ann for drinking with me!! And last but not least, a BIG thankyou to my Dave for putting up with me and taking care of me this weekend.
This weekend was a much needed one for me.
It’s the final days left here at home and though I’ve done this multiple times, I feel a sense of uneasiness as Aug.6 approaches. I’ve been home long enough to reaquaint myself with the city and now I have to leave again. All I can say is this feeling sucks to pieces. In the last little while my life has come to a crossroad and my options at either end were both something I went bananas pondering over and over for a few weeks. Verdict: Flight Westjet 681 departing Toronto on Aug.6/09. Is this the right decision? Who the hell knows! But it is what it is. Like Rihanna says, Live Your Life.
This past month has been full of family time and I will always miss being here with the fam. My parents both have cooked me everything that I’ve been craving and missed and I heart them for it =) I enjoyed making Vietnamese spring rolls with my mama, and I especially enjoyed eating them. We also went to Magic Wok as usual and again their food was excellent as always. Yum mango seafood birdsnest!! And as retarded as brothers get, and mine are no exception, I do say my 2 brothers are the best ones out there. Though a day (or maybe a few hours) can’t get by without us calling each other names, it’s been nice hanging with them again. The highlight of the month was ofcourse my aunt’s wedding and that was definitely a night to remember. I’m relieved they liked my wedding gift (I got them custom made figurines of themselves). I’m also glad I came home in time to see my uncle’s new home in Newmarket. Hanging with fam is never a dull moment as we have too many family members to keep us entertained. I’m getting homesick already just thinking of it all.
I won’t deny that I will miss Libs like crazy when I leave. In the month that I’ve been here I’ve already watched her grown so much. Not only has she doubled in weight, she learned how to walk down stairs, and more recently, jump off from the couch/bed. She’s quite a handful sometimes as she’s teething and can’t stop biting and making a few messes here and there in the house. She also likes to hog my pillow, my bed, my suntanning chair, eat my face, and close my msn convo windows while opening up 10 browsers. But when she’s calm, cool, and collective, she’ll melt my precipitating heart when she climbs into my lap and curls up to sleep. I really want a puppy of my own…
As for my galpals, I have nothing much to say except I wish they were all with me wherever I am. It sucks being across the country from girlfriends that I have known for a decade or longer who I can no longer go out to the mall with, eat with, or even talk to without considering the 3 hr time difference. Yes I know 3 hrs doesn’t seem like a whole lot, but when it comes down to it, 3 hrs is still 3hrs.
In the next few days I have to finish cleaning up the rest of my junk that I still have lying around the house. I also need to start packing up again. I have 3 days to do all that plus visit relatives before I leave. Sigh. The struggles of life.
For those of you who don’t already know, I go through colour phases and lately I’ve been really feelin’ the colour grey. I’ve only recently started liking it but even more so after getting my grey leather Coach bag (which I am sadly contemplating returning because I really can’t justify such a huge purchase atm). I dunno why I used to hate this colour thinking it was ugly because it’s now the bestest colour ever! I lub my grey bag, I lub my grey TNA jacket, I lub my grey Uggs, I lub my grey clothes!
So I’ve been chillin at home the last few weeks re-evaluating my life and came to the conclusion that things in life are never a simple black or white, but rather a shade of grey - at least for me anyway. Why is that? I couldn’t tell you for the life of me, but I can say that a lot of the times I’m left lingering in the grey area with not a clue as to what the next step would be. But if things in life were always so clear-cut, then what’s the point of living? Working? Eating? Sleeping? Or even dreaming? I think what I’m trying to get across is that we do need a little bit of grey in our colour palette. If we didn’t, we’d never have to make choices or decisions, we’d never have to contemplate anything, and we’d never grow up into good looking, mature individuals.
And 12 more days till I’m in the other checkbox. Damn.
It’s only mid-day and I’m sitting here falling asleep as I’m trying to decide what to do for the rest of the day with a Holter monitor attached to me. There’s only so much I can do with wires hanging out from all sorts of places on my body. Can’t go to a mall without looking like a bomb threat. Can’t play with my puppy without fighting her off my wires. Damn my heart precipitations.
bomb threat
I sucked it up & went out to run a few errands despite my terrorist getup. I did get a few stares but it could be skewed ’cause I was very self-aware. I even managed to try on a top @ AE - the deal was just too cheap to pass up!
Isn’t that always the big question? If I had even a penny for all the times I’ve asked myself that, I’d be forever on vacation travelling the world now. But I don’t, so here I am not on vacation, not having (a) sex on the beach, not eating all the exotic foods of the world. Yay me.
I’m not one to dwell on the past (at least not for long anyway) but sometimes I do find myself wondering “what if circumstances were different back then” or “what if I didn’t make the choices that I have” or “if only I had done that differently”. Then I end up asking myself why I’m even asking myself these questions because obviously it’s all in the past and there’s nothing I can do about it now. Or is there? Or can I settle with living the rest of my life wondering “what if”? And what about recurring dreams? What the hell do those mean? Is it a sign? A message of some sort on a subconcious level? Do I brush it off and take it lightly? So many questions and so few answers. I just wish someone can hack into my brain and do all the thinking for me and spit out the “right” thing to do. Right. What the hell is the “right thing to do” anyway. I don’t think there is ever a right thing to do - a best available option at the time maybe, but no, there’s no right way of doing things, especially when it comes to LIFE. I think the right thing to do is always to do the least possible damage to myself or anyone around me, but that doesn’t always quite go as planned. Somehow someone always gets jewed, mostly myself. Bah. Why is life so mah fan?
As messed up as I sound, I may have progressed slightly with the whole BC vs. Tdot dilemma. I say slightly because we’ve only had a couple of sunny days this week where I could think clearly. Very ironic that Vancouver is raincity - maybe that’s what’s been inhibiting my mental capacity to think. Darn gloomy BC.
On a side note - I think I lost weight since I came back home despite all the yummy goodness. Hurrah for my mom’s healthy cooking and veggies! I lub choy. Now I just need to shape up so I can do the grind before summer ends. Yay to self-torture yet again.
S.A.D: (wiki) a form of depression caused by the lack of natural light during the winter months. Yup. Sounds about right - I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Today’s pretty gloomy and consequently so is my mood. Or maybe I have some sort of bipolar disorder. One day it’s sunny & one day it’s gloomy - stop playing with me! I’m fragile right now.
Hit up the beach yesterday with a girlfriend and it was awesome with the blazing sun and occasional breeze by the water. Worked on our tans, though summer is 1/2 over already. Took a bunch of long overdue pics with Fiona. I don’t know why but everything seems to fade away when I’m soaking up the sun. It’s just so relaxing to lie there without a care in the world for those few hours.
me facing the other way
That is…till Fiona screamed in horror. Turns out the old guy right next to us wanted more than just his body tanned. There he was lying down with his legs wide open at us and unless he had a tomato in his shorts, his junk was sunburned. There we were trying to take in the sun not realizing we’ve been flashed by him all that time. Needless to say, we spent the rest of the time facing the other way. GROSS!
After the whole ordeal we decided to treat ourselves to a snack and we ended up @ Hung Fook Tong. I’ve been craving their red bean ice drink (with icecream!) since forever. It was exactly as good as I remembered it; cold, refreshing, and yummy. When it comes to Chinese desserts - this is one of the top ones on my list. We also ordered those sticky rice ball things (like mochi) with black sesame inside and crushed peanuts on the outside. SOOO good. Amazing what the sun + good food can do.
Red Bean Icecream Drink
I’ve done an entire week of pondering now. Thanks to everyone that’s asked to make sure I’m still alive. I heart you all =) I may’ve had a breakthrough, not sure yet. As long as the sun stays out I”ll be a happy camper.
Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air?
Can’t live, can’t breathe with no air.
I can’t breeeathe. I’m being smothered to death by life, if that makes any sense at all. But ofcourse nothing makes any sense these days. My heart is precipitating.
